First off, if you happen to be a person (or a cat) reading this, I need to ask that you close your eyes right now… the following information is intended for dogs only…

What’s that?  I just had a question from a reader in the audience. The question was: “I’m reading this to my dog who can’t read… how can I do this if my eyes are closed? “ Good question! The answer? I guess we’ll have to make an exception for people reading this to their dogs.

This still excludes our cat readers of course who should already have their eyes closed…  (Hey, you tabby cat in Texas… I can see you peeking between your paws….)

By the way, so my cat friends don’t feel left out I am trying to find some good mouse recipes I can share.  So far I’ve found a Grilled Cat, opps, I mean Grilled Mouse, with Fresh Cat Nip and Thyme Butter Sauce recipe that sounds scrumptious…  I also found a Chinese recipe book with some interesting recipes… yummmmmm…

Moving on… So fellow dogs, we all know how hard we try to hold it in, right?  Sure, as dogs we are occasionally forced to assert our pack leadership role or to show our disappointment in having that nice pair of socks we were chewing taken away. And what better way than a little surprise puddle?  Can I get a Bark! Bark!?

That said, even though we’re great at controlling our bladders an occasional accident happens. We get a little too excited or our people stay gone too long. When that happens it’s important that we don’t take the fall. No dog wants to hear ‘Bad Dog,’ right? And who better to take the fall then a cat? It doesn’t even have to be a cat that lives with you… heck, any neighborhood cat will do…

So what do we do? First, make sure you have your ‘accident’ in a hidden, isolated place. Look for someplace where it won’t be spotted for a few days like behind a chair, in a spare room or on a pile of cloths left on the floor.  It also works if you spray under or on furniture.  It is also helpful to spread the ‘accident’ over a large area …  that also can make it take longer for the smell to come out.

Why do accident location and density matter?  … It’s really obvious if you think about it… by delaying the discovery of the accident you are able to create ‘plausible deniability.’ Think about it… if your people find it while it’s still warm they are going to blame whoever is closest. But… and here’s the good part… if they find it days later it could have been anyone… especially a cat.  See where this is going?

… now that you’ve picked the right location, you need to look for some gravel or sand or dirt to pile on top of the puddle.  Here’s why… Cat’s use litter boxes right? … and they cover their ‘accidents’ with something called ‘Kitty Litter’ that looks a lot like gravel. Doesn’t it make sense that your people will think it was a cat trying to cover their tracks? I think so…

How do you get the gravel or dirt into the house?  I recommend you go out in your yard and dig a really big hole…  This is particularly good if it has rained recently.  Once your paws are covered with dirt or gravel or sand run back and forth between the hole and the accident.  After several trips you will have brought in enough dirt to do the trick…

That’s all there is to it… you should now be all set to get a cat blamed for the accident.  But, since I was a Wolf Scout I like to be prepared with a plan ‘B.’  so here are a couple of ‘alternate’ methods you can try to keep from taking the fall if they find the accident and come after you instead of a cat.

PLAY DUMB! Act like you you’ve never seen the puddle and can’t imagine how it got there. Cock your head slightly down and to the right to look confused (remember that looking left is a sure give away that you are lying)

If the dumb look doesn’t work, offer to find the cat for them… do this by making a mad dash for the front door to emphasis your willingness to help find the culprit. …be careful though because a quick dash could be interpreted as a guilty flee…

If the confused look and dash don’t do the trick go for the ultimate ‘people are such suckers’ move… go to the nearest carpet and drop to the floor… then roll over on your back and present your belly… People love this move!  You’ll probably get a ‘look at the cute doggy’ or maybe even a good belly rub… Worse case it that you’ll get a good back scratch from the carpet before you get banished outside or to your crate…

So, give these methods a try next time you have an accident and let me know how it works out for you. I have to admit that I still haven’t perfected the blame a cat method yet… I tend to go all ‘tail between my legs’ before I remember the ‘cat did it’ angle so I’m usually busted before I start… Let me know if it works for you.

… by the way… you people and cats can open your eyes now…